An evening with the Poppers

Do we need more or less fiber as we get older? Well I guess that depends who you are.

My husband and I generally end up "spooning" to fall a sleep at night. I've always been a cuddle bug, but as I age I'm declining to snuggle as much. It seems the warmer his back gets the more gas he produces. Whew, he's turned into a snoring, farting machine, but so have I.

Shortly after falling a sleep last night, there arose such a clatter. As I arose from the bed to see what was the matter. The stench of his fart seemed to reveal all the clatter. There laid the rippling, roaring, snoring old guy.

His belly so bloated, and his mouth and nose just a snoring and puffing. With each breath in, out came a huge puff from both ends. No wonder they say old men smell like dirty gym socks. Sure enough half of it is probably coming from their butt.

"Good grief, roll over before the methane gas kills both of us." I shouted.

Soon I was back to sleep. Just a few hours latter I was awaken again. My eyes bugged as the covers fanned up. "Gees oh peat's, he's at it again." As I laid there hugging the covers to avoid the smell, I heard and felt my bag blowing up. Sure enough, I was popping like a darn pop corn popper. The great thing about wearing an ostomy bag is what's known as "blow by." The best description of blow by is, you may hear it, but you can't smell it. No one smells the fart, until you empty or open the bag.

The United States has really missed this secret weapon. I'm convinced people with ostomies could be gathered together to collect the methane gas coming from their bodies. This gas could be bottled and released to choke the life out of our enemies. Let me tell you, Osama Bin Laden wouldn't have a chance in one of those green clouds!

Any way, you guessed it, I had to make an inevitable trip to the bathroom. As the toilet flushed, Mark woke up, "What in the world? My Gosh, did you die, or are you molting a pot mustard gas?"

Ah, such is life. Thank God for bathroom windows. Without them we all may pass away in our sleep.