That was one Hot date!

I love pinto beans and cheese with some "Franks Red Hot Sauce" on top. I eat that stuff on everything! I love the warming sensation and the flavor. It kicks the endorphins up too, making me more lively. :)

Another thing that really kicks the endorphins up is jalapenos. Mark I use to have so much fun in Louisiana. There was a fantastic Mexican Restaurant called "Casaco's" in Monroe LA. They had the best wet burritos, and loaded nachos I have ever ate.

One day the kids were going home from school with friends, and Mark had the day off from work. We decided that would be the perfect day to really enjoy ourselves. We loaded up the boat and headed to Caney Lake. Hardly anyone else was there, so we enjoyed skinny dipping and giggling most of the morning. After that, we head back home, to get cleaned up. Then we drove to Monroe to Casaco's. I ordered a big plate of those loaded nachos, with extra jalapenos and a big frozen Margarita. (I bet you know where this is going; don't you? :)

After eating most of that, and drinking all the Margarita I was anxious to get home. I was feeling very happy and extremely horny. I was gonna give Marky 'the hot child in the city!" He was thrilled, so we quickly paid the bill and headed home.

The clothes were flying as we walked through the door. We jumped in the bed and commenced to do "the wild thing." All was going well, when all of a sudden those jalapenos erupted. I jumped up, and shot off to the bathroom which fortunately was very close. I barely got over the stool when I erupted like a pressurized volcano. Woo Wee, what a flame thrower. Let me tell you, those jalapenos are hotter coming out, than they are going in! Hot Child in the city my hindy, that was more like Fire!

Pour Mark's laying in there waiting, and waiting. Finally, he calls out, "Kathy, are you alright?"

"No; not really, I don't think I'm gonna be able to finish. I think I ripped my self a new butt hole, or else I've torched this one, it's smoking. By the way I think I know how Earth, Wind and Fire came up with that song, "Fire!"

Needless to say I rarely ordered "extra jalapenos" after that.

Ostomies-depending on your outlook is a Blessing or Curse.

I was listening to our pastor the other day talk about Paul. Paul was blessed with a "thorn in his flesh," to keep him humble. (See 2ND Corinthians 12, if you'd like to confirm this.) Anyway whatever his "thorn" was he didn't like it. He asked God at least three times to take it away from him. Personally, I bet he even went as far as I have. I have been so disgusted about wearing an ostomy bag that I've asked, "Lord, if you can't make me like I was, can I please come home; not latter, now Lord?"

Like Paul God says,"Sorry no, get busy doing what you're suppose to be doing."

Reluctantly, I move on, not in my strength, but His grace and strength. Maybe you have a thorn in your flesh too. It's not always easy is it?

I have come to appreciate somethings about my "bag." For instance, I was on a date with a guy who almost raped me. This happened with more than one guy. Some guys think you "owe them something," when they spend a few dollars on you. (Guys like that are simply slimmy jerks. Get away from them.)

Imagine if I had wore a bag then. First it probably would have scared the pee piddles out of them. If not, well I have no doubt that's when I would have said, "Okay Asshole, this is where the shit really hits the fan!" With that they would have went home smelling like they were!

Or imagine, if an intruder ever enters my house at night after I'm asleep. First they'd be greeted by a deformed naked lady with a baseball bat, or shot gun which ever I grab first. After I beat the crap out of them, or shoot them, I'll be dumping a bag of nastiness all over them. Then we will wait for the police to arrive.

If you're blessed with life- wearing a "bag", in spite the negative, think about all the positive situations from it! We also have "blow by" which is an awesome gift for others as well as ourselves! ;)

Stop at the next Gas Station!

You know the moment it strikes and it has to come out. My two sisters were cleaning houses together a few years back. The youngest sister says to the middle sister, "You have to stop at the very next station!"

Beth jumps out of the car, runs right past the checkout counter to the bathroom. Steph goes in behind here, to casually talk to the attendant, while Beth relieves her self.

As the two ladies talked, Beth walks up to the counter whitter than a ghost. Immediately, Steph asks, "Beth what's wrong." Beth just shakes her head. "Mam, do you have a bucket, a rag and maybe some cleaner?"

The attendants eyes grow as big as saucers, "What happened in there?"

A little teary eyed Beth says, "Well, I'd rather not say. But it was more than a double flusher, and on the turd flush well it overflowed. It splattered, and well it's just real bad."

Now the attendant's just got to see for her self. But Beth is quick to caution, "Mam, you really shouldn't go in there right now. I grabbed that mop in the hallway, but I really need a few more things to clean it up."

Now the gas station attendant becomes really excited, and throws her hands on her hips, "OMG, not the kitchen mop!"

"Well, I don't know what you used it for, but I just mopped the bathroom floor with it."

By this time, Steph knew it was best just to slink back out the door, and not say another word to the attendant or Beth. A few minutes latter Beth returns to the car. "Beth, what happened in there?"

"Steph, it was real bad." Needless to say neither of them have been back to Gram's Quick Stop again. :)

Food for thought for the day: Best friends are like Butt cheeks, always together, but when $#itty things happen, well they separate for a while. But they always come back together. If were separated, I hope we'll be back together soon!

Hoppy Easter

Unless you're really sick big meals with the family are always fun and an adventure. There's always someone who loves to fill up on the nastiest things they can find just to torment others latter with the giggle and the smell.

I'm no exception. I love deviled eggs I'll eat everyone you don't eat and love every minute of it! But you see I've been blessed with the blow by effect. Everything going in to me, will exit into the pouch, or as I call it the bag, or in instances like this it's better known as the "Abyss!" No one smells anything for a while.

Everything is quiet on the home front, but people start watching. As the bag begins to puff up, people begin to worm. Just before I leave for the bathroom, everyone has that, "Oh No, she's gonna blow!" Look of terror on their face.

If it's nice outside they head outdoors. But God forbid the ones who waited too long and have to go to the bathroom after me! Those are the poor souls who really need your prayers. No can of Lysol will even touch what I can put out after a few deviled eggs, or a good pot of beans.

In fact the last Christmas Realtors luncheon I went to in Buford GA. We all had a wonderful time for about four hours. Then I stood up fully blown to capacity on that right side. I went in that bathroom, and just like Vamoose when I came out after three flushes and half a can of aerosol, well two thirds of my friends had packed quickly and left the building. Those were some smart Realtors right there.

Another Public Bathroom Adventure!

Traveling far is always something I dread, when ever I know it's gonna be more than a few hours to the journey's end. This past weekend was no exception. We stopped at a roadside park just over the Alabama border. There were plenty of empty stalls. I sat down far away from anyone.

Naturally,Sister Mary Elephant came waddling in. Of course she walked into the stall next to mine, and immediately started complaining about the smell. Do you ever wonder why people choose to go to the bathroom next to someone unless they have too? I always try to avoid the crowd, when I'm gonna pull my pants down.

Anyway, she waddles in, throws a pile on the floor. As she slammed the stall door, my door bursts wide open. Lovely, I have one hand on my bag while the other hand is wiping the neck of my bag out. Quickly, I throw one foot up, before I am totally exposed to the four winds. (What a balancing act!) Quickly, I'm trying to finish, before anyone else walks in. Just about that time Sister Mary Elephant lets out this curdling, "Owee!"diarrhea of the nastiest kind sprays all over the floor. Now I'm really trying to get out of there. The smell is overwhelming and splattering.

As I exit, I was so tempted to give it that extra hard shove, so her door might fling open, but I didn't. I heard her again, "That damn colon cancer is such a b*#ch!" That poor lady was really suffering, bless her heart.